Long, Hard Grind

Goddamn.

On a different note much has come to my attention that needs addressing. I am still struggling with my own projects, trying to get them out. The art don't give it to you. The art don't give you what it is that you thought you wanted. It is much more difficult to get me agree with me on things that are coming out of my head. Even more difficult to convince myself that I am doing the right thing. But even as that last sentence comes out I question it. What is right for me anyway? Who is the dictator of right and wrong for each of us? Is it inside? What is it? Maybe if I can find it inside I can cut it out and get rid of it. Maybe then, when that right and wrong judge is gone, I will feel at least a little more freedom. Maybe I can move a little better, act on my feelings, and not feel like I am wasting time. When I get asked, "What am I doing?" I won't feel like kicking myself in the balls.

I have no answer for these questions when asked of me, and that is the biggest insult.

And even then I ask why I feel so lost. I know what I am doing is right. I know how it feels to be in the moment of fascination. I know that what I am saying through my actions is something that must be said by someone, somewhere. I have to believe that. The real question is how do those of us who think in these ways live during a time when the pendulum of pop culture is swing back to its other extreme? We are in a time of disillusions and infidelities. People walk with their heads down and eyes closed, avoiding any kind of absolution. The pendulum has begun its return to the other side when we will return to a mass awaking of the senses and a rekindling of the mind. Returning to my question though, how do we live in the mid swing? Those of us born in a time like this where everything is so bland and we have no heroes of our own. This is what leads to a mystification of the past and a fear of the future. But I say we grin and bear it. We take it on the chin and await a time to come. I believe I will see the human spirit renewed. I know of key players who have the capacity to do it. It may get worse before it gets better, but the point is it will get better. We are being forged by fire. That is the truth. Fire licks at our flesh and for what reason? TO TEACH US! Learn from this fire so that we can cut the pendulum and free ourselves from the back and forth nature of our world, return to Eden, and experience real life.

What's out there isn't real. What is real is what is in your body, in your mind, and in your soul.

Keep your eyes up.